Author: eirini

Do You Feel Guilty When You Don’t Work?

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One of the most difficult aspects of conditioning is the idea of time/scheduling: We are so conditioned to equate life to a schedule that we get blasted with massive and complex guilt if we ever veer outside of it; the underlying thought is “I shouldn’t trust my natural desires to guide my days. Horrible things will happen if I let go to myself”.

But why do we believe that?

Because our parents, our teachers and our society taught us that. We weren’t supported to trust our inner authority, our inner guidance, constantly being forced to go where we didn’t want to go and do what we protested we didn’t want to do.

We learned that to be “a good boy/good girl” we needed to obey, to discard our own wants and that “the right thing to do” came from outside sources.

We are comfortable with the idea of the weekend and the vacation, only because they are allowed by someone else.

Yet, all of us dream of free time/energy to do the things we want, the blissful permission to “play” in life and to trust in our instinctual rhythms (and also to sleep when we want and eat what and when we want), assured that we will be taken care of in the process.

We imagine that it’s time, money or any other external restriction that disallows us, but it’s not.

It’s only that we don’t feel we have permission to live this way, to trust that our being will naturally want to do what it’s really supposed to- what it came here to do, not what we learned it must- and that everything that it does not want to do, it SHOULD NOT actually do.

We do not see that it was our parents, teachers, society that created the perception that we wouldn’t be supported and protected in life by following ourselves, that we got taught it by how they acted towards us.

They chose to withdraw their approval or even punish us whenever we tried to follow ourselves.

They fabricated this style of living with no proof whatsoever that if we were allowed to let go and trust in ourselves that we would become a negative influence on the world or ourselves.

All they knew was that the child had no knowledge of the practical aspects of the world that pertained to survival. It just didn’t know how to protect itself.

So they used the fact that the child depended on the parent/society to survive to deny ALL of its inner knowledge.

And so we have had generations upon generations of people who have been supported in survival only by adhering to the whole paradigm of their parents’ way of life: “Throw yourself out or fend for yourself as a child”.

Obviously, children aren’t meant to survive on their own.

But they are meant to follow themselves when it comes to building their lives from the get-go.

No-one should ever have the right to control their child just because its survival is dependent. Parents are not supposed to mould their children.

They are not supposed to teach their children who to be. Just how life practically works (“this burns”, “that’s not edible”, “this is what this word means” etc).

This schedules-instead-of-life system is slavery and it is inherited, not natural, loving or effective.

Filed under: Emotional woundsTagged with: , , , , , , ,

Why You Don’t Need To Be Strong

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What is strength?

A lot of us had to be strong simply because there was no-one there to support or protect us.

We had to be strong because being vulnerable caused us to feel humiliated, to be called weak. We experienced people enjoying looking down on us.

So we rose up. We’d never be “weak”, we’d be strong!

But it is…unfair. You don’t need to be “strong”, you should have access to support and assistance.

People can be there for you, they can hold you in all of your pain, they can stay where others have gone.

And because you are strong, do not feel you need to keep giving your strength to others because “they need it more than you do”.

Your strength is for you, it is not a debt to assist others.

Others may be inspired by it, but they also may resent you for it simply because they don’t yet know their own strength. So, let them learn that in their own time.

Do not buy their sympathy by offering your strength to them.

Many will lean on your strength as a way of avoiding knowing their own.

Learn how to empower them by not diminishing yourself. Allow them to take it or leave it as they please.

Don’t let others shame you into being used for your strength.

They will grow without you (and in some cases only without you!).

And always remember that your strength is perfectly compatible with your sweet vulnerability and that you absolutely do not have to be strong for anyone anymore.

Filed under: TruthTagged with: , , , , , ,

How To Spot Narcissistic Or Codependent Traits In Your Relationships

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The only safe relationships are the ones where the other person does not see your needs antagonistically.

If they do view your needs antagonistically, it means that they’re trapped in narcissistic or codependent behaviours. That means they are actually putting all of their energy towards what they have falsely learned through their abusive parental relationships they must do/provide, in order to “deserve” receiving energy and so they will be preoccupied with trying to receive their spent energy back from you (antagonistically to your needs).

The narcissistic template is a personality performance and sees that as its presumed “gift” towards the other.

For example physical appearance, any artistic or entrepreneurial talents, money, fame, or even being advanced/evolved “spiritually” has the narcissist believe that others automatically benefit from being in their elevated presence.

In other words, in their head, the narcissist “pays” for the energy they receive (such as care, attention, being the priority) by performing.

The narcissist cannot perceive that others may not in fact be gaining something from their performance or that they may genuinely want to be around them without any performing feats.

The narcissist feels constantly exhausted and doesn’t understand why others can’t empathise with how hard they’re persistently trying. They expect to be reimbursed for their spent energy, but their efforts never truly get acknowledged since that’s not what people really want from others anyway.

The narcissistic system is a substitute for true love/relationship.

However, since the narcissist never really gets what they expect from people, it reaffirms and further strengthens their belief that others truly don’t have their best interests at heart, so they feel they must strive even harder and become even more self-focused in order to make sure they get their needs covered, since they are certain they cannot rely on others to do the “right thing” (to care about the narcissist’s needs).

On the other side of the spectrum, the codependent template is a cycle of cold transactionality.

The codependent too believes that the other person gains nothing from them simply being themselves, so in order to “receive” energy they must FIRST “give”.

They are trapped in what they ASSUME that other people expect and they continuously strive to please, usually without their significant other having any clue as to what they’re sacrificing or feel obliged to give.

Ironically, if not all, at least most of the time, the other doesn’t even want the specific energies that the codependent self-sacrifices to give!

It is all in their subconscious learning from what their parents rejectingly taught them they must give.

But again, what people really desire is love.

And love does not give or receive, it is the energy that results from the actual connection – it automatically provides for both people (nobody loses any energy).

So, whether it’s our narcissistic (performing) traits or our codependent (“giving”) traits, people don’t actually receive anything of real value (love) from these patterns.

The codependent too suffers from false reaffirmation when their efforts do not result in the rewards they starvingly hope for- they believe even harder that they indeed are “not good enough”, so they need to suffer/sacrifice more in order to “gain” love.

The only relationships that work are where people want you for you – for love. There is NOTHING you can do to get others’ love, because neither impressive personality nor profound “goodness” gets love.

Love only happens by TWO people’s choices. There are absolutely no bargaining chips in the equation, simply the intention of why they are entering their relationship.

Filed under: RelationshipsTagged with: , , , ,

Boys Don’t Need Tough Love

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THE male wound is…”tough love”:

“I love you, therefore, I withdraw from you, so that you become a man.”

“I love you, therefore I test you, so that you prove you are a man”.

This presents itself in money-making/job-succeeding especially.

And here’s the actual truth: It is not love to withdraw from a boy – nor a man. It is emotional abandonment and emotional violence.

It is entirely different to allow a boy to venture out, to discover and to invent himself.

That is something a boy does in his own time and WITH his father’s positive reinforcement and loving trust.

A loved boy senses his father’s presence always with him as a benevolent force, protective, emotionally generous and endlessly kind.

A father not only does not require proof, but he never even implies that his son’s worth or masculine identity are ever in question.

He is the presence that presents the world as safe and available for the son to explore within.

A loving father never scares, tests or throws his son into the deep.

There is no “sink or swim” lessons that he needs to “teach” him, because most of all, the father shows his son that he is not meant to do life all by himself.

He does not teach him that suffering and struggling is heroic (it’s actually impossible, unnecessary, lonely and isolating) and that cruelty and toughness does makes a man.

Instead he teaches him that accepting and asking for help is connecting, and that living is to be with and for others, not above and not away.

Filed under: Emotional woundsTagged with: , , , , , ,

Women, Your Power Is Not In Your Sexuality!

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Yes, sexual energy is powerful (both men’s and women’s, it’s our life force after all!), but sexuality is not power over someone else.

Sexual power is simply the energy of the self, not a weapon; to create your life, to share love, to heal the world. And men’s sexual energy is the same.

So women do not hold any power over men because of their sexuality. Let us give an end to this myth born of the objectification of the female body. Both sexes need love through sex. There is no difference in our sexual needs. (Doesn’t that make sense?!)

Look at a woman who’s not receiving sexual love.

She gradually becomes tired, dulled, stressed, hostile. It’s energetic lack. Can a woman do without? She can, but that doesn’t mean it’s natural, easy or pleasant. Exactly the way it is with men. It’s just that for men lack of sexual love shows up as energetic excess meaning they feel tension, can’t relax, become aggressive etc. so it’s more apparent.

But sexual needs are not unequal between men and women.

Society expects men to act calm all the time and has shamed them for their sexuality. They weren’t supported to consider what to do with their energy.

Τhey had to keep relieving themselves of it, quickly, quietly, unconsciously. Do you see the shaming of it all? If someone knows they have an energy of great value within their body, they do not act hastily.

Also, society hasn’t been allowing men to admit to vulnerable emotions, so in the face of lack, loss, need, they channel everything into sexual energy: “Not enough sex”, “not enough sexual variety”, “not enough sexual partners”, it can never be an emotional issue.

So we teach men to both diminish their sexuality and be ashamed of their very nature AND to run to that identity and use it as a drug when they have to deal with their emotions.

What would happen if we taught our men that their sexuality is perfection and that it’s ok to carry themselves fully in it because their emotions are WITHIN their sexual responsiveness and that they can TRUST their full sexual guidance?

Men’s sexuality is whole, it’s intelligent!

And what would happen if we also allowed our women to own their sexuality for themselves instead of seeing it through the eyes of the past as the only available leverage they can have?

So no, women do not hold sexual power, because men are not animals and women are not asexual. Equal needs. Absolutely designed so!

Filed under: AuthenticityTagged with: , , , , , , ,