The only safe relationships are the ones where the other person does not see your needs antagonistically.
If they do view your needs antagonistically, it means that they’re trapped in narcissistic or codependent behaviours. That means they are actually putting all of their energy towards what they have falsely learned through their abusive parental relationships they must do/provide, in order to “deserve” receiving energy and so they will be preoccupied with trying to receive their spent energy back from you (antagonistically to your needs).
The narcissistic template is a personality performance and sees that as its presumed “gift” towards the other.
For example physical appearance, any artistic or entrepreneurial talents, money, fame, or even being advanced/evolved “spiritually” has the narcissist believe that others automatically benefit from being in their elevated presence.
In other words, in their head, the narcissist “pays” for the energy they receive (such as care, attention, being the priority) by performing.
The narcissist cannot perceive that others may not in fact be gaining something from their performance or that they may genuinely want to be around them without any performing feats.
The narcissist feels constantly exhausted and doesn’t understand why others can’t empathise with how hard they’re persistently trying. They expect to be reimbursed for their spent energy, but their efforts never truly get acknowledged since that’s not what people really want from others anyway.
The narcissistic system is a substitute for true love/relationship.
However, since the narcissist never really gets what they expect from people, it reaffirms and further strengthens their belief that others truly don’t have their best interests at heart, so they feel they must strive even harder and become even more self-focused in order to make sure they get their needs covered, since they are certain they cannot rely on others to do the “right thing” (to care about the narcissist’s needs).
On the other side of the spectrum, the codependent template is a cycle of cold transactionality.
The codependent too believes that the other person gains nothing from them simply being themselves, so in order to “receive” energy they must FIRST “give”.
They are trapped in what they ASSUME that other people expect and they continuously strive to please, usually without their significant other having any clue as to what they’re sacrificing or feel obliged to give.
Ironically, if not all, at least most of the time, the other doesn’t even want the specific energies that the codependent self-sacrifices to give!
It is all in their subconscious learning from what their parents rejectingly taught them they must give.
But again, what people really desire is love.
And love does not give or receive, it is the energy that results from the actual connection – it automatically provides for both people (nobody loses any energy).
So, whether it’s our narcissistic (performing) traits or our codependent (“giving”) traits, people don’t actually receive anything of real value (love) from these patterns.
The codependent too suffers from false reaffirmation when their efforts do not result in the rewards they starvingly hope for- they believe even harder that they indeed are “not good enough”, so they need to suffer/sacrifice more in order to “gain” love.
The only relationships that work are where people want you for you – for love. There is NOTHING you can do to get others’ love, because neither impressive personality nor profound “goodness” gets love.
Love only happens by TWO people’s choices. There are absolutely no bargaining chips in the equation, simply the intention of why they are entering their relationship.