Tag: love

Do You Think That Your Love Should Be Perfect?

A function of true love is allowing for the knowledge that we do not love perfectly all the time.

When somebody expects the other person in their relationship to consider the “love” they give as always flawless, there is a mono-dimensionality in their perception: they can only see themselves as either good or bad; they cannot tolerate feeling like a bad person.

But being “good” does not actually allow being loving, because it doesn’t leave any space for the true perception of other people’s pain caused by our behaviour (or even just our own pain).

In this scenario the person will always demand that their “love” is recognised as proof of their goodness.

They cannot afford to have “flaws”, because that would make them unlovable. This is the irony of trying to be loving: It suppresses, controls and misses real love instead.

On the contrary, a person who cares about being loving will be happy to acknowledge where their love’s limited, as that relieves the loved one from the confusion this conflicting experience brings :being told you are loved when your experience doesn’t match the label.

We have learned to accept fault for not having been loved.

But, ironically, only when we’re not focused on appearing loving, can the result ever be love. If we are able to say: “Friend/lover/family member, you are correct in feeling unloved because I have not loved you as you need”, we are saving that person from the inner confusion of  feeling not fully loved, while being told otherwise by their loved ones.

Note that we are not saying we are obliged to love either, as indeed we never are. So we are also freeing ourselves from the expectation of loving perfectly and naming what is love, love and what is not, no-one’s fault. We are all growing in love, all the time. And we can only develop our love by seeing the reality of where it hasn’t expanded yet, always compassionately.

Where we recognize another’s unmet need, we open up the space for it to be met by anyone, including them and ourselves and we also allow ourselves to have free will in choosing whether we’d like to meet that need.

It’s like all elements of love are now individual expressions both in what we choose to give and what we desire to receive.

And isn’t that the truth of the matter anyhow: that we are all individuals and therefore our needs cannot be the same and we cannot expect everyone to generically be able and desire to meet all of our needs?

By the way, having only two parents also seems entirely wrong.

This is why we are both confused and restricted in our concept of love/emotional needs, because we’ve had to adjust to only two persons’ abilities and worse, their incorrect perception and evaluation of those abilities too.

Perhaps we would do much much better growing up in communities rather than households, extended families, perhaps even poly-relationships instead of one woman and one man. Heck, most of us don’t even get both of our parents to begin with!

If we had love available to us from multiple people, we would not be so easily conflicted about the supposed “love” we’re told we’re getting from our caretakers and we would not have to feel either guilty for needing what we need or angry at not getting it.

We are all correct both in what we need and what we want to give, but only if things are clear (love is love and no is no), and we actually have options to go satisfy our needs elsewhere.

The solution then is good pairing! But it all starts with each one of us learning about ourselves.

Our whole lives are about discovering what we want, who we are through each experience. So let us make that come into focus finally instead of being preoccupied with whether we look loving or not. We are not selfish for needing and others are not selfish for not giving. We all have the right to choose to be as loving as we want.

And no-one’s unlovable. We just have to be with the people that naturally want to give what we want to receive.

Filed under: Emotional woundsTagged with: , , , , , ,

Why You Shouldn’t Love Everyone

The idea that we need to love everyone is faulty.

We suffer from trying to co-exist with people who don’t actually love us, but we believe we are faulty in that because we grew up in environments that did not resonate with who we were.

But we can still find our home with those like us.

We don’t have to love everyone (and they don’t have to love us).

We get obsessed about not being accepted because we’ve gotten the message that we need to fit into the world. Otherwise we’ll supposedly be entirely cast out, alone.

But “the world” is not that limited energetic space you’ve grown up in; it’s not the mental moral creation with its specific boundaries and demands that your family/culture had in their heads.

So, in expecting and allowing yourself to dislike others and be disliked by others, you are freeing the space for the people who like you for who you are.

All judgment of others is self-definition. It simply says “I am not like you”.

Judgment is natural and essential. It only becomes an attack when we feel forced to remain locked to that original home-environment (or one that resembles it) that is not tolerant of us, so we go into a fight against them to survive as  ourselves instead of being sucked into their kind of being.

But if we disallow being disliked and disliking, we keep asking for approval from these same (type of) people who already don’t see us as approvable while they too are locked in a battle to safeguard their identity.

So, whenever other people don’t want you, allow that, because they are actually relieving you from trying to be approved by someone who does not resonate with you enough, so they would in essence have to reject themselves in order to approve of you.

And what about the spiritual concept of loving everyone?

Well, even that only comes when we are not needing approval from them/clashing with their ideals, so usually, it comes from a place of distance and as a generalised soul-feeling as opposed to the basis of real, bonded, secure relationships with these people.

Because whenever we are too close (in an setting where we are asking for love) being disliked is a huge blow to our self-esteem and requires huge energy to battle.

So, sure, allow love for everyone but first take care of whether you are being loved by finding your true home-environments in the people that NATURALLY care to love you.

Those are the people who are already enough like you and loving you increases their self-love too.

The people who reject you in any way do not resonate with you (at least at that time) and they are rejecting what they do not want to be or what they do want but feel disallowed to be.

In either case, you do not have to force yourself to “love” and adjust to their energies-this is a mirror of the powerlessness that you experienced in childhood where your only option was to adapt to what your parent(s) demanded of you (justifying it as you being “loving” towards them).

Children love their parents automatically.

It is never the child’s love that is faulty and always the parent’s perception that could benefit from the child’s pure reflection of where their actual love has been compromised.

So, let people dislike you and let them be far from you since the jarring nature of your togetherness hurts you (both).

Do not seek those people; unless you want to be more like them because something in you is attracted to their qualities (different from seeking approval by contorting yourself to match what you think you should be).

We are all meant to be different and we are never too different to have a home-environment of love.

Filed under: AuthenticityTagged with: , , , , ,

How To Spot Narcissistic Or Codependent Traits In Your Relationships

The only safe relationships are the ones where the other person does not see your needs antagonistically.

If they do view your needs antagonistically, it means that they’re trapped in narcissistic or codependent behaviours. That means they are actually putting all of their energy towards what they have falsely learned through their abusive parental relationships they must do/provide, in order to “deserve” receiving energy and so they will be preoccupied with trying to receive their spent energy back from you (antagonistically to your needs).

The narcissistic template is a personality performance and sees that as its presumed “gift” towards the other.

For example physical appearance, any artistic or entrepreneurial talents, money, fame, or even being advanced/evolved “spiritually” has the narcissist believe that others automatically benefit from being in their elevated presence.

In other words, in their head, the narcissist “pays” for the energy they receive (such as care, attention, being the priority) by performing.

The narcissist cannot perceive that others may not in fact be gaining something from their performance or that they may genuinely want to be around them without any performing feats.

The narcissist feels constantly exhausted and doesn’t understand why others can’t empathise with how hard they’re persistently trying. They expect to be reimbursed for their spent energy, but their efforts never truly get acknowledged since that’s not what people really want from others anyway.

The narcissistic system is a substitute for true love/relationship.

However, since the narcissist never really gets what they expect from people, it reaffirms and further strengthens their belief that others truly don’t have their best interests at heart, so they feel they must strive even harder and become even more self-focused in order to make sure they get their needs covered, since they are certain they cannot rely on others to do the “right thing” (to care about the narcissist’s needs).

On the other side of the spectrum, the codependent template is a cycle of cold transactionality.

The codependent too believes that the other person gains nothing from them simply being themselves, so in order to “receive” energy they must FIRST “give”.

They are trapped in what they ASSUME that other people expect and they continuously strive to please, usually without their significant other having any clue as to what they’re sacrificing or feel obliged to give.

Ironically, if not all, at least most of the time, the other doesn’t even want the specific energies that the codependent self-sacrifices to give!

It is all in their subconscious learning from what their parents rejectingly taught them they must give.

But again, what people really desire is love.

And love does not give or receive, it is the energy that results from the actual connection – it automatically provides for both people (nobody loses any energy).

So, whether it’s our narcissistic (performing) traits or our codependent (“giving”) traits, people don’t actually receive anything of real value (love) from these patterns.

The codependent too suffers from false reaffirmation when their efforts do not result in the rewards they starvingly hope for- they believe even harder that they indeed are “not good enough”, so they need to suffer/sacrifice more in order to “gain” love.

The only relationships that work are where people want you for you – for love. There is NOTHING you can do to get others’ love, because neither impressive personality nor profound “goodness” gets love.

Love only happens by TWO people’s choices. There are absolutely no bargaining chips in the equation, simply the intention of why they are entering their relationship.

Filed under: RelationshipsTagged with: , , , ,